It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
