Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
