put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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