these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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