don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
