I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We had sex on a dog bed..
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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