Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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