A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
