Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
