I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
