Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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