I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
