I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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