You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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