the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
