My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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