3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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