You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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