Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
