I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
