I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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