I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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