when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
