I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
