Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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