I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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