so that wasnt chicken after all
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
