I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
