I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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