i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
