rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
