I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
