she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do vagina's smell?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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