peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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