i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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