also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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