every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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