I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
