I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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