We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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