my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
