I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
