she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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