I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
