I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
