So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
