Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dicks are not precious.
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