he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
