What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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