Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
