why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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