while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
