3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
