I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
