I can tuck mytits in my pants
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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