So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
