I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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