I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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